Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My legs feel like baby dolphins
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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