After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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