I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
