My sheets look like a crime scene.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
