tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
