Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
NoShamevember. You game?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
