Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I cut my penus on the lid.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
