The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
