i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
