I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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