I can text with my tongue
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
