I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
