Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
