I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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