well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
