just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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