just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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