I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
