i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
