i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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