i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
