I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize