I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
