Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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