Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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