I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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