mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
