I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
