i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
