I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
