I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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