That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
