I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
