when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
