Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
