i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
