I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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