so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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