just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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