God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
