Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's shark week go big or go home
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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