Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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