so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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