so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
