So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
