I puked a lego.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
