did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
