I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize