I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
