dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
