I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
