can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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