Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
