Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
