Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
