You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
