If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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