hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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