I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
