Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
