I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
