Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
