I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
