There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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