i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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