just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
