Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
