I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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