I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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