Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
