Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
