she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
